Part 2.

Let’s talk about what happened next……. You guessed it! We got pregnant on the

first try. I was bummed – there goes the idea of having more sex. I was still scared

but had to quickly look for a positive. I realized this ship was sailing and I needed to

get on board or sink in the fear. I needed a new strategy, you know, something I

could find comfort in. I started to come around to the idea of having a girl.

Yeah……a girl would be easy to father. You buy them pretty dresses, snuggle with

them, have tea parties and show them how a woman should be respected by

modeling how I treat her mom. There we go!! I can do all of that! This might not be

all that bad. Hell, I was getting excited at the idea of having a girl.

My wife was 36 years old when having our first child. This meant she was an age of

higher risk for birth defects and was able to get genetic testing early on and in that

process we would find out the sex prior to having an ultra sound tell us. I remember

driving home from work and called my wife for our daily drive time check in…..how

was your day? What’s for dinner? Need anything from the store? Etc…. About five to

ten minutes into the conversation my wife said she got the results….and I knew. I

knew it was going to be a boy. She knew my dread of having a boy, and she had

waited a while in the conversation rather than bursting with excitement from the

get go.

I remember not being about to speak. Hell, I could barely breath. There was a lump

in my throat and tears were falling down my face. All of the fear I was trying to

avoid was coming up at once. I remember my wife saying “Justin….Are you

there?.......Are you okay?” I remember her saying that a couple of times before I

could catch my breath. Still I was straddled with fear and wept the rest of that drive

home.

My wife was a trooper through pregnancy. She was carrying a small giant in her

belly. He was big – estimated to be 10 pounds or more. So big that my wife’s OB

recommended just going with a scheduled C-section. So on Friday the 5th of

September 2014, we walked into the hospital as if we were checking into a hotel and

within 2 hours my wife was on a table and I was at her head on the do not look over

side of the curtain. I don’t remember much but I remember the first time I saw him.

It was unbelievable! So small, so helpless, an amazing creation of his mom and me –

he was a beautiful healthy baby boy!

Now there were some issues with getting him to root and latch when breast-feeding,

which was concerning but we left the hospital with a happy healthy boy and I was

feeling better about being a father.

I felt like I was doing a good job and showing up as a husband and father. However,

about four weeks in, my wife called me out and said she needed my help and that

she felt I was looking for opportunities to exit out. At first I was really defensive and

threw her flaws at her and touted all the good I had done. But was she right, was I

unconsciously dipping out and not being present? Maybe? It was shortly after

when I was up one night to feed the little guy. After feeding and burping him I held

him close and rocked in the seat to help soothe him back to sleep. As I did this at

2AM, something happened…..it was like all of my fears and traumas and father

insecurities came up at once and flooded me with emotion and tears. And then in a

strange way I felt a sort of peace that it was going to be okay. I also made some

promises that night….and so far so good.

I am not writing this because I am an expert or know it all (contrary to my wife’s

statement that I know everything.) It is far from that – I struggle all of the time, and I

think men are slower to talk about these issues than our female counterparts. As a

Mental Health Therapist, I have seen many men struggling with how to be a father.

Many are fighting demons of old and some are creating new demons in the process.

All are trying to not repeat the past but recreating it in many ways. So I am wanting

to write this to share my perspective as a father, a son and a therapist in hopes it

may create some dialogue for men to talk and share as we all work on one of the

hardest jobs there is – being a good father!