Let's Talk About why I am writing this ... part 1

Well, first off let me say Hi! I’m Justin and as of today, 6/25/2021, I am 45 years old, married with 2 kids, a dog and a dog on the way. With that being said, I should tell you that I never wanted kids. Kids, to me, were a novel item that belonged to friends that you could play with, wind them up and give them back. Beyond that kids were germ bag brats that rob you of your sleep, lifestyle and serenity. Thieves! And worst of all they grow up to be teenagers. Entitled, lying, sneaky, angry, moody, manipulative, drug using deviants – in other words…..me.

I wanted no part of having kids. There was no way me having a kid would be a good idea. I would surely screw some kid up. Hell I wouldn’t know what to do. What was I to model after? I grew up in a dysfunctional abusive household that taught me hard work and responsibility sure, but I did not know emotional intimacy or anyway to be a father other then rule by fear.

I got married when I was 32 and for the first 7 years of our marriage life was great. My wife and I saved money and bought new cars, bought a house and became proud owners of a little French Bulldog. We had our family! Plus we traveled. We were very fortunate to travel to Germany twice, took a night train through the Alps to Venice, stayed in Cinque Terra, took a Mediterranean cruise, visited Napa and San Francisco, vacationed in the keys and went on an amazing safari in Africa. I was happy!

I am not quite sure when it happened but sometime late 2013 my wife started thinking about kids. I blame our neighbors at the time. Two sets of neighbors had babies around this time and this sparked that fever in my wife. I do believe I was honest and told my wife the fear I had of having a kid, but seeing her hold a baby and knowing she would be a good mother – it was hard to be definitely NO with her. Plus, after six plus years of marriage, I thought this would be a great opportunity to have more sex. Although I did share my concerns and fears with my wife, I did not relay just how deeply terrified I was of not just having a kid but being a father. While we were in the discussion to start trying, I began making sure I did everything you are not supposed to do when trying to have a kid. I sat with a laptop on my lap while watching tv, I wore tight boxer briefs and I would sit in the hot tub on a regular basis at 104 degrees for as long as I could. I was literally trying to cook my swimmers to death to not get pregnant. That’s how terrified I was.

Now after 8 years of being sexual with my wife with minimal contraception and never having a scare, you would think that with the precautions to boot that this was gonna take a while. Well, the Universe, it turns out, has a sense of humor.